It takes a big cosmic crowbar to get me out of bed at night once I'm tucked in. But, this big, full Pink Moon has me writing these words in the wee hours. She is insistent on my participation.
I do not like being told what to do, never have. But, something within is being birthed in this mid age and there is full moon power upon whose shoulders I am standing. My cooperation is required. So, I bend to the invitation of this old girl of a full pink moon. And, thank you darling dear moon.
There is something essential taking hold within me- maybe you feel it too, in this compelling time of mid life? I don't think we have the luxury anymore to ignore what our soul wants to bring us.
I am in the Now part of life, Now being a very different and very good place to be. Finally, I am exhaling. Healing from being on the run all these many years to finding this Now. Running to the me that has always been waiting. Many of "we women-of-a-certain age" have found our Now. Hard won and cherished.
Much, much has passed and it reminds me of a quote from Khalil Gibran- " The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain."
Damn it, hell yes.
I have found a new way of being, in this Now. Sometimes we are forced to move onward despite our hesitancy. We yearn for safety in tumultuous times. But we have to find our way- we must!
I have found a way to capture, animate within myself, and enjoy everything good thing that comes my way. I am grabbing all the moments, and I've developed some mad rise-up skills. Because I have been burnished by pain. Risen like a phoneix. And as the sentiment conveys- still I rise. Still I rise despite a sometimes crushing sorrow.
This Now part of life contains this sorrow and I have learned to intergrate it into my life. My life is now one of AND'S.
Personally, I think it may be a brilliant way to naviagate the second act of life. By this time in our lives many of us have been profoundly touched by life, and sometimes in a not so wonderful way.
Death, divorce, illness, empty nest, financial hardships ( past or present) aging and more. We have been on the planet for a while and I don't think many of us skate by, unscathed.
We are coming to the table with a heap load of experiences. Gains and losses. The outstanding experiences and the horrifying.
I have had both, but nothing could or should prepare you for the loss of a child. It is a deep, searing, DNA changing experience. My precious son has gone before me and it has taken every bit of resilience that I possess to survive this loss. I now know that all the previous hardships and losses prepared me for the magnitude of this devastation. Consequently, my capacity to enjoy has increased a thousand fold.
My son somehow has nurtured the art of enjoyment and appreciation into a bit of a super power within me. My glorious son is now my teacher, as I once was his. Love never, ever, dies.
And so begins the And's-
I have joy and sorrow. My joy is deep but my sorrow is deeper. I try to let joy win more often these days though.
I have beginner's mind and wisdom. Both necessary for this new journey as I approach my second act with an open and curious mind. And, as I damn well better, I am listening to my hard won wisdom. I'm doing okay in this regard. Or so says me.
I am almost a sixty year old woman and a thirty-three year old as well. Just ask my daughter. I refuse to be put in an "age box" according to society or someone else's ideas of me.
I have begun the pleasure and task of getting into the swing of my And's.
My AND's are many and varied.
I can go through a staggering, soul-wilting divorce AND I can find another love that is a healing balm that lifts me up everyday.
I can lose my home and most of my dough AND find myself in a place on earth that speaks to my very cells, always whispering about the beauty to be found.
I can pine to hold my children as babies again AND welcome a second coming of sorts with precious grand children.
I can be a no-nonsense life coach AND be a lover of fashion, friviloity and waaay funky shoes.
I can take wonderful, lavish care of those I love AND be a down and dirty self care MAVEN!
I can be deeply spiritual AND deeply enjoy the physical trappings of this world. I am after all, as they say, a spiritual being having a physical experience.
All these And's of my life give me comfort for the heart-rendering parts of my existence, and shore me up when I falter.
Millenials speak of all " the feels" and this Boomer speaks of all the And's.
If we are courageous enough to be fully, deeply, and perhaps madly ourselves then I believe our And's will find us and we can then bow in gratitude and relief.
We have most certainly earned them.